2016

So, I have some more bad news. Heartbreaking stuff I don’t want to share it on my first post of 2016.

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I wish you all a great new Year with Happiness, Good Health and an abundance of Love. Because who doesn’t need more love!

I hope this is your best year ever!!!

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The day I lost my dad

My father passed away 15 years ago yesterday. But I grieved his death when I was 9 years old. 49 years ago.

My family was small and close. Just me, my older sister and my dad. I had already lost my mother, to mental illness, and my brother was murdered a few years later. We were happy and my dad had a good job in our small town.

Our home had an apartment on the second floor. One day a lady and her 4 kids came and rented it. Her husband was career military and thinking back, I believe because of his alcoholism, she decided to move back to her home town and divorce him.

Seems like right from the get-go my dad and that woman were a bit too “chummy”. They all congregated mostly downstairs with us. Dad would buy the food and feed 5 extra mouths. Her 2 bedroom apartment above us was equipped with kitchen and bathroom. Small for a family her size. Her husband never came to visit.

I put two and two together when they moved out and good ole dad would take us to visit them at their rental home in the country. A tiny 2  bedroom. Her 3 sons crammed into one. Her daughter and her, in the other.

I remember so vividly, my dad announcing they were getting married. I cried. Nine year old me did not want them back in our house. I didn’t want a step mother and 4 step siblings.

So they married, went up north for a few days and the next thing I know we are a blended family. I hated it. The fighting started. Not enough money. Dad worked 7 days a week trying to feed us all while she played the happy homemaker. Ugh

I recall one fight where they got in her crappy car and left. The boys came home with new baseball equipment and the girl new toys. Dad had told me that day I had been right and he shouldn’t have married her.

So to make things all better, she decided they needed their own child. Hell, my brother was still alive and not even living with us. Like we needed a new baby to complete this fucked up family.

This was when I totally, completely lost my dad. I became lost in a crowd of people I didn’t want to be with and everything me and my sister had with my dad was gone as they focused on the daughter they made together and treated her like an only child.

Gone was the promise of the horse he made me since I was 5. Gone was any assistance with a college education. Gone were the braces I had wanted forever because of the space between my front teeth. Everything I desired was wasted on a woman who saw a good thing and latched onto it. I was working and totally paying for all my clothes and whatever else I needed by the time I was 14. Before that, I had next to nothing because we were poor. Not because my dad didn’t make good money but because of choices he made. My dad didn’t even take time to come to my school events, baseball games or my high school graduation.

Funny though, their golden child got everything braces, a graduation party and a college education. I worked, bought my horse and payed the vet bills, bought the hay and took care of my responsibility. My half sister was 5 when she got her pony. Little Maybell was a stupid, mean Shetland and by summers end they had decided to give her away before someone got hurt. My half sister, at 5 years old spoke up and said “if I have to get rid of my pony then Debbie has to get rid of her horse”. And it was like this always.

So yes, my dad died of lung cancer December 15, 2000, alone because my half sister, who wasn’t working at the time, was too busy to watch over our dad. I was by then, a single mother, working full time, paying more in daycare then I got in child support, raising two sons on my own, with next to no help from anyone. I got the call at work. I had already in my mind, said goodbye to my dad, years before.

I miss my dad. But he left me long before the day he died.

 

OUCH

Well, bad news this morning. My cousin died last night. She was diagnosed 4 months ago with stage 4 lung cancer. She is the 3rd person in my family to pass from this horrific disease. My dad being the first, with my uncle a year later. My cousin, Halee, was adopted at a young age. I saw her last at another Uncles funeral a couple years ago. I remember her being late for the funeral and I spoke to her briefly after the service.

Most of my memories of Halee come from when we were young and our house in town burned. We were finally able to move to the country and I bought a horse. Haley and her adopted brother, along with my aunt and uncle (their new mom and dad), lived down the road from us. They had ponies and every spring they would bring them down to our house. Much older and experianced, I would ride them and get their winter “bucks” out.

Halee had a daughter out of wedlock. She never married but I have comfort in knowing her boyfriend stood by her to the bitter end. She had started chemo and had her first radiation treatment earlier on the day she passed. She had returned home after the treatment and started coughing up blood. The paramedics couldn’t save her.

Such a sad time for us all. Halee was much younger than me. She had so much left. My heart is heavy.

Rest in Peace Halee. I am so sorry you were taken away. You will be missed. I will think of your soft soul and bright smile often. Love you…

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Hi!

It’s been a while. A very long while! How are you? Did you have a lovely Valentines Day. We stayed in. ALL weekend. Stretch made me chocolate pie. He sent me 2 dozen roses, to work on Friday, the 13th. He loves me.

Been thinking so much about this work thing lately. I started with this company in 1976. Well, if that doesn’t age someone nothing will. I left for a year and a half and have been back 23 years. So, yeah, I have worked a total of 37 years. I am so done. My “artist” job has been reduced to “glorified editor” as 90% of the art coming is has already been started by an agency. All I do now is make sure it is printable and that any copy they have added, changed, missed, will pass our approval system. Our company actually PAYS the agency to do the art. What the hell am I doing here anyway? I feel like I have paid my dues. I want out. O-U-T out.

This Michigan weather really sucks. Look what we have in store for us the following few days…

Burrrrrrrr
Burrrrrrrr

Lake Effect & Frigid Through Thursday … Below Zero Thursday & Friday Mornings … Light Snow Friday Night & Saturday. Most of this Michigan winter has been a weather warning.

How does one quit a job and move south? I would like to pack it all up and get the hell out. Seriously. Like, yesterday!

Sorry to come back with a rant. I hope you are warm and safe and anywhere but here!

~d~

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Right Location, Wrong Property

Still looking for the next homestead. That house (see previous post) needs too much work.
We are too old to do all the maintenance to get it where we want it. It has too
many barns. Huge barns that we don’t need. One requires removing. But wow, what a pretty
setting, with mature trees and a fenced in yard for the dog.

If I had the money, I would tear the house down and build a 2 bedroom,
2 bath A-frame with a back deck and a loft for my studio. That’s what I would do!

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slight change of location

So…every since I moved in with Stretch…I haven’t been the happiest. This association thing. The control they have over what we can and can’t do on the property. We have close neighbors and I once woke up and saw 2 teenage boys playing in the back yard. From the window…in our bedroom. Which only meant they could see me too.

Stretch is overly giving. What is his is everyone else’s. But I can tell, he is getting tired of getting taken advantage of. The neighbors asked last week if they could borrow the lawn mower. The one that is 2 months old that I PAID FOR. Stretch asked my permission. I said no way. Theirs had a broken belt and was an easy fix. I told him to offer to go get the belt and put it on for them. In the end…they got it fixed all by themselves. Hello…how hard was that? The same neighbor asked to borrow our snow blower last winter. Dude has two strong teenage boys and needs a snow blower TO BLOW OFF THE DECK? Stretch let them take it. I would have handed them a shovel. The same one WE USE on our deck. Neighbors… always borrowing things and bringing them back either out of gas or broken etc.

So…I want to live in privacy, in the county away from it all, again. And I think I have found something we both will be happy with. 4.5 acres. Half wooded. Outbuildings (yay!) Stretch can have his wood shop and I can have… I can have…whatever I want! Chickens. um… goats. I know!!! A minature donkey! or a horse or 2. yay! And a stones throw from our camping spot. Our 40 acres of Gods green earth. I hope we love the house. Everything else is perfect. We go look at it with a Realtor Monday, yay…

I want a goat!
I want a goat!
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